Sad Pearl Time Travel Mystery Adventure
by Cameron Clarke
Summary: Sad Pearl has a falling out with her friends and goes on a wild, wacky adventure!


1

"DONT DO IT PEARL" steven exclames

"IM GONNA DO IT I MISS ROSE SO MUCH" she says knifingly with her hand

"PLEASE PEARL YOURE LIKE MY MOM I LOVE YOU"

"ITS TOO LATE STEVEN" pearl squawks in anguish

pearl turns her hand into a knife and slits her own throat wide open and then poofs into a gem

"NO PEARL WHY" steven cries with those stars in his eyes

amethist comes into the room and says to steven "ha ha what a dumb idiot" "why did she do this again" asks steven sullenly. "She does this because she wants attention" says amathest slylyl. She picks up pearls gem and throws it across the room. "ha ha dumb idiot" she starts dancing and banging sullenly on her ass going "wimp wimp"

at dinner time steven says to garnet "garnet was mom really even that cool? I mean she seemed pretty lame to me from that video i saw inside of the lion. Actually I didnt watch it inside of the lion i took it out of the lion and then watched it outside of the lion." "She was very cool" garnet says sullenly. No one says a word because they are praying to god to bring rose back. Pearl reappears and kills herls f again because she's a dumb idiot. No one evenc ares anymore.

2

perdiot sits quietly in the bath room while the crystal gems are eating a bountiful thank giving feast. "Why are all of these gems so bad and i am the only good one i dont get it why do people like these dumb idiots" she exclaims as she fishes a turd out of the toilet bowl. "look at this clod" she exlaims as she examines the poop. just then pearl breaks down the door and exlaims "i miss rose SO MUCH" and then cuts her throat again. Steven comes in and apologizes for her. "she does this all the time it's just a phase." pearl poofs back with cool black trip pants and storms off exlcaiming "IM NEVER COMING BACK." "she'll be back that dumb idiot" says amehtis

greg is minding his own business at his nice car wash when perl shows up and exclaimes "I HATE YOU GREG YOU RUINED MY LIFE I HATE STEVEN TOO HE RUINED MY LIFE AS WELL"  
she kills her self in front of greg. Greg cries. pearl comes back out of her gem and looks like rose and says "gimme a kiss big boy" and greg sullenly kills her again. "YOU WENT TOO FAR" greg exclaimes to the dead gem. But pearl cant hear anything because shes in her gem listening to like Nick Drake or Elliot Smith or Nine Inch Nails?

3

pearl wakes up in the bathroom. in the bath tub is a giant mound of steve dung. It does not smell good so pearl makes her nose go away. peridot is there and says "hey pearl its me peridot i have constructed a time machine for you out of excrement and i can fix all of your problems. Just get inside!" Pearl hesitantly enters the time machine. It is sticky inside of the time machine. The poop is sticking to her clothes and she vomits but gains composure. "teach me how to fly this thing!" she excalims.

minutes later steven feels him self begin to disappear. "oh no!" garnet exclaims" steen is disappearing. "oh no garnet youre right" says amathest. They fuse into nicky minaj but its too late, steven is gone. No one even remembers he existed.

4

Beach City, 1932. The gems are sitting around wearing old timey clothes because thats what they wore like the pilgrims with the buckle hats. Rose gets up to go get something to eat because she does that every 5 minutes. Pearl enters the kitchen in future clothes. "Hello rose its been so long" pearl says sulleny. i came from the future to fuse with you" drool oozing from her dumb idiot face. "thats gross and also rape" rose exclaims. Pearl tries to force fuse with rose but rose fights back. pearl hits rose over the head with the toaster oven and she poofs into her gem. pearl picks up the gem and starts trying to dance with it like some kind of crazy person. when they dont fuse pearl exlaims "IF I CANT HAVE YOU NO ONE CAN" and smashes her gem into the wall. It breaks intoa billion pieces and pearl storms sullenyl to the warp pad, never to return

5

GERMANY

pearl is at the pub or whatever its called in germany and meets a dashing young man who is also very atteracted to her. they hit it off real well. They go back to his place and because she thinks its going to impress him or something she just like shoots herself with a gun and poofs back in the shape of a beautiful german woman and the young man is just astonished. They begin a long term romance and bang a lot. The young man becomes president of germany and they both live luxurious lives and bang a lot.

one day pearl hears her husband talking about how he doesnt like jews. pearl doesnt really know much about jews but she knows that greg was definitely one and that she hated them all. she tells him that maybe they should just kill them? He thinks this is a wonderful idea and guess what it turns out he was actially adolph HITLER and we all know how that story ended!

6

BRAZIL, 1950

the war has ended. pearl managed to escape by faking a suicide on that fate full day in 1945. She changed her appearance again too look like a jewish person (trigger warning: racist joke) (big change am i right fellas? can i get a high five?) and escaped germany with some refugees. pearl has just received a package from her boys back in the US. This package is what will comeplet her plans. she now toils away in her lab. a jar of bones lies open on her work table. the lid, heart drawn on the top with sharpie (were those around then?) sits beside several other bones ,far too big for jars, in various states of powderization.

"Ive done it!" pearl excliams. She adds some black stuff to the blue stuff and whatever and mixes it around. when she is done she unlocks her safe and removes the small cardboard box labeled "fragile". she stares sullenly at it for a few moments before taking a deep breath and carefully cutting the tape with her pen knife. it is full of packing peanuts. she shuffles them aroudn for a bit, savoring this moment. she thinks she will feel relief when she sees that first glimmer of pink but what catches her in the gut instead wis pure dread. this is wrong. she shouldn't be doing this. she shouldn't have done any of this. but she has come too far to turn back and is too lonely to go any further without being loved. she removes the shards from the box and places them in the mixture. it begins to bubble and a giant figure emerges in a pink flash.

7

BEACH CITY, PRESENT TIME

the crystal gems return to the gem house after a mission to rose's grave site. it had been over 80 years since rose was murdered and pearl tossed her dumb idiot self into a volcano. ever since the site was disturbed years ago they had made annual visits to pay their respects and get a delicious coffee and egg sandwich on pretzel roll bread for only $5.99 at the dunkin donuts in the area. This was an amazing deal and the gems could not resist. The gems hated the big donut. Their coffee is terrible and they don't even have bagels. I know donut shops are donut shops and not bagel shops but I personally feel the two are close enough that having bagels is just common courtesy. Who even eats donuts anyway? Donuts are garbage food for garbage people. It's not even about calorie count, it's about having good enough taste to realize that a mouth full of sugar is disgusting. I can respect a fat guy who eats bagels. that's classy. you think a chocolate covered cake ring is going to taste anyhwere near as good as a nice marble bagle with a bit of cream cheese? Absolutely not. Amethysts is laughing at a funny joke peridot just told. "ha aha wow peri dot you are hilarious and the jokes are so high brow I really aprpreciate your wit you remind me of bill hicks if he were still around and not part of a forced fusion with alex jones. Really smart. You are like the only pearl I am aware of who killed herself except you are much cooler and funnier and we all like hanging out with you a lot more. thanks for joining the team" "yes i agree" said garnet.

"HEY" exclaims amethesit "Let's go laugh at dead pearl in the volcano"  
"hilarious idea!" exclaimed peridot "let's do it" said garnet

8

the gems arrive at the volcano where pearl met her tragic end.

"wow I can't believe she really did it what a moron" snickers peridot "she was very desperate" says garnet "big dumb idiot ha ha womp womp" exclaims amethyst.

while they crack their wise at pearl's expense, peridot notices some weird bird like movement coming from the trees across the volcano plains. But this was too big to be a bird. A flash of white. "Pearl?" she asks aloud. "dead as hell" says amethyst "yes very dead" gernet agrees. Peridot looks back and exlclaims "NO I THINK I JUST SAW HER." "Impossible" explains garnet "she would never be able to regenerate inside of a goddamn volcano you dumb idiot" "what the hell did you just call me you big piece of trash" demands peridot. "You heard me, dumb idiot" garnet says dryly because that's how she talks. "I don't have to take this shit you guys are the actual worst I'm gonna go look for Pearl or whatever I saw over there because that's more fun than sitting here taking flack from a bunch of garbage dump dumbshit rocks who don't even have any personality fuck you and fuck this I'm done." Sullenly she storms off to the woods.

9

peridot stomps through the woods just mad as shit. she sees a bunch of broken twigs or whatever and follows the trail made out of the broken twigs or whatever for what seems like hours. she is tracking her prey like one of those magical indians from the movies. she finally comes to some sort of like tree house thing. she listens for any sounds coming from inside but is met with silence. she carefully climbs the tree ladder i guess and enters. there are a bunch of those watermelon guys running around doing melon shit. they ignore peridot as she looks around the room. there's a door to another room. quietly she opens the door and peeks inside. sleeping on a bed is a great pink beast. it has the body of a big fat woman, 4 meaty, bloated arms, and a funny mustache under her 4 resting eyes. peridot recognizes that mustache from a character in a really boring, drawn out tarantino film. That's Adolph Hitler's mustache. But why did he have rose quartz's gem? she hears the tree house door creak open behind her and turns around in surprise. it's pearl. she's holding her own gem in some oven mitts because it is hot because she got it out of the volcano i feel like id idn't have to explain that part but I am anyway. it's done and there's no coming back from it. editing is for the weak. I don't make mistakes. pearl drops her gem in a panic. a water melon man hands her her shot gun. without thinking she unloads a round into peridot's head, shattering her gem and ending her life. the beast emerges from her room, eyes still heavy with sleep. "ROAAODDSKFMDKSKAMKDMSKSDSM", she growls at pearl. "don't worry, Roseler sweety, it's nothing, I'll get this cleaned up for us right now." It gives a low moan and returns back to bed. Pearl cleans up the shards with a dust pan and drops them into the tree toilet.

10

at the gem house, amethuist and garnet are playing a rousing game of carcassonne. garnet slams a princess onto amethysis big castle and just totally fucks her out of it. "this game is terrible I quit eat shit garnet you goddamn cheater" amrthsyt screams, scattering the tiles across the room. garnet smiles and says "you just think it's a bad game because you suck at it this game is objectively great everyone loves carcassonne i defy you to find me a better board game that isn't something obvious like fucking chess you know-nothing moron go play your video games or whatever you jackass. by the way where is peridot we have not seen her in days" "probably banging dead pearl in the woods" amythest exclaimed. "that is not funny how do you bang a broken ass gem that doesn't make sense" "don't think about it gar net. don't think about it it doesn't matter. None of it matters. Who cares where she is or where pearl is? What if she got herself killed? What does it matter to us? Aren't other people just there to serve our needs? We can find someone to replace Peridot in our social circle, just as we replaced Pearl. What does she really do for us? You may think it selfish or even sociopathic but I don't believe in friendship. What are friends other than people to share your interests and further your goals? what happens when someone stops being of service to you? Peridot has not done a thing for me in months and frankly I don't care if she is alive or dead." "that's fucked up" exclaims garnet sullenly

11

while garnet sets out to find peridot, ruby and sapphire are having a talk

"hey look, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, ruby"  
"what are you talking about? I don't understand"  
"I've just been thinking, you know. I have ambitions. You know this, but you keep holding me back. Fact is, Ruby, you're dumb. I love you but you're dumb. I need to be with someone smart, like me. Do you understand? Do you understand me, Ruby?" No response. suddenly they unfuse and ruby runs away crying like she didn't see it coming, what a chump am I right? Sapphire calls after her but she has disappeared into the forest.

Ruby runs sullenly through the woods, setting the trees and brush on fire. Far away, sitting up high in the branches of a tall tree, Pearl aims her hunting rifle at the source of the fire. When the arson makes it to a clearing Pearl recognizes her old friend. No, she has no friends now. Only the monster she created from the two loves of her life. For decades she had hauled her abomination around, hiding it away in locked rooms of motels. Often, pearl thought of ending it. Killing the creature and then herself, for good. She spent a good amount of time thinking of how she would end her own life. Obviously the volcano idea was no good. She wanted something quiet and private, so, say, jumping in front of a steam roller was out of the question. After years of consideration she decided her best bet would just be a quick bullet in the gem. Not now though. Her instincts are at work and she must defend all she has left. She waits for a clear shot, but ruby, being a whiny little shit, is flailing her arms. She's getting close now. Soon the fire will spread to the tree house. Pearl must do something. "RUBY STOP" she calls out. Ruby looks at Pearl, tears welling in her eyes. "Pearl, it's you!" but pearl only raises her rifle. "PLEASE NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING" ruby exclaims. She puts her hands out in defense. Perfect. The gem in ruby's hand is finally in the crosshairs. Pearl let one bullet loose, sullenly piercing ruby's gem. Ruby gone, and the fire still blazing, Pearl runs for her tree house.

12

Connie is sitting on the toilet trying to wrest a turd from deep within. "HURRY UP IN THERE" says cunnie's mom. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HURRY UP TAKING A SHIT MOM THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE DO YOU THINK THERE IS JUST A BUTTON I CAN PUSH TO MAKE IT ALL COME OUT AT ONCE? THAT IS RIDICLOUS MOM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW POOPING WORKS" "Connie PLEASE we have to go or we are going to be late" "Mom I'm TRYING to hurry but you don't seem to understand the situation I'm in. I can no more hurry this process than you can. That's 0. There is a 0 percent chance of hurrying this up. It is a natural process. If you really want to hurry this up go get me a dull butter knife and I'll see what i can fish out. Is that what you want, mom? A knife up my ass? Because that's where I'm about to be if you don't lay off right now."

Silence.

A butter knife slides under door.

She was being sarcastic but connie is spiteful. She puts the knife up her ass and jiggles it around a bit before sliding it back to her mom, totally covered in poop, a smug smile on her lips.

13

pearl busts through the tree house door all fuckin excited. Not ina good way though, in a bad way. She is bad excited. She is bad excited because what the hell was ruby doing in the goddamn woods? Where is sapphire? is she on her way? if the gems discover the tree house and the research she is doing she is totally fucked man. she sullenly opens the door to roseler's bed room and peeks inside. Roseler is gone. Pearl panics and frantically searches the tree house but roseler is nowhere to be found. there's no time. If sapphire shows up she'll have to be killed as well. pearl was tired of killing. she had been doing it for decades to get around. just fucking killing people. sometimes she did it for fun but now it twisted her stomach up having to murder fellow gems. it was wrong. humans were garbage and she never cared about them but gems were great. everyone loves gems. they do fun magic stuff with their rocks. pearl loved that. she never wanted it to end. but end it must. pearl sullenly packs her bags with some items from her laboratory desk, douses the floor in gasoline and lights a match, which she hands to a melon man. She boots the fucker into the gas puddle and gets out of there because fire hurts and you don't want to be around it you can figure out the mechainics in your head. she leaves the tree house to search for her one true love, adoplh roseler

not far away, sapphire comes upon ruby's broken ass gem lying on the scorched ground. "son of a bitch what happened, this is bullshit" she exclaims sullenly

14

connie and her parents arrive at the beach city ice cream store. they park behind the building. mr maheshwarn makes a big show out of locking the door. when his wife and daughter give him dirty looks he just grins and says "what? with all the immigrants the president is letting into the country we can never be too safe. Don't know who's going to be a terrorist, you know?" "that's bullshit dad" exclaims conny sullenly "these are poor refugees. they re all women and children and they would never be terrorists not ever." "that's right" says his wife. "they are just trying to escape the hellish situation in their home country. this is the least we can do" "you're fucking wrong" says mr maehashwarn. "there's no way to properly vet these people. It's just not possible. They're already letting so many of them in and you can already see it happening, what was going on in france before the attack. these people don't integrate they just stick to their religion and are more easily susceptible to becoming radicalized." "dad you're racist" says conniy sullenly. the maheshwarens did not talk after that. they arrive at the ice cream shop. "i'm going to use the bathroom" Connie says. "Seriously? Again?" her mother asks with a good amount of huge bitch in her tone. "yes, again" connie replies. In the bathroom stall connie opens her backpack. Inside is a folded up ISIS flag and enough explosives to take out half of beach city. Today is the day.

15

amethyst sits at home scratching her ass watching hannity. she really appreciates how loudly he likes to yell over his guests. right now he is yelling over an elderly black man. "DON'T YOU KNOW CHRISTIANS ARE BEING KILLED OVER THERE EVERY DAY? BUT NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT..." he howls sullenly at the bewildered old guy. "ha ha womp womp you tell him sean" amysthyst laughs. She doesn't care about the politics but loves watching people shrink away from sean hannity's powerful, masculine voice. the show cuts to commercial. amyehsist yawns and opens up her lap top. one of her favorite hobbies is going online and posting racist rants on youtube videos. Being a young gem of course, she has minimal experience with humans of other races or cultures, and truly she has no real opinion on the matter, but she just loves making people squirm. she navigates her tabs graceful as a dancer, the good R&B shit not that hacky ballet trash pearl was into. "let's just turn the middle east into glass already" she drops on a new york times article. "get raped you fat SJW fuck" on a young turks video. She barely finishes favoriting a george zimmerman tweet before hannity's beautiful face comes back onto the television. He's interviewing one of the republican presidential candidates no one cares about. Suddenly a knock on the door. "FUCK OFF NO ONE'S HOME" amethest yells. More knocks, harder and faster now. "ARE YOU DEAF I SAID GO AWAY." The door slams open. Amethetst turns toward the intruder but sees nothing but the wide open door. "goddamn fucking wind womp womp" she says, turning her attention back to the tv, making no attempt to close the door.

16

"what's the password?"  
"death to america"  
bolts unlocking, a heavy metal door swinging open.  
"get in here, and be quick"  
connie follows the voice into the rear entrance of the fry shack.  
"fuck sake peedee where have you been? I've got everything set up on my end and then you give me nothing on the walkie talkie. What the hell is the point of buying walkie talkies if you're not going to use them? I was THIS CLOSE to getting caught at the arcade." she pinches her fingers together. Peedee looks either scared or constipated. Connie can't tell which and she doesn't feel like playing any guessing games at such a crucial time. "Well? Fucking spit it out. And where's Jamie? He hasn't responded in over an hour." Peedee's poorly-concealed terror becomes even more poorly-concealed and terrified. "Connie... They got him. Jamie's dead. The plan's gone all to hell. The whole city's on high alert now. Are you sure you weren't seen?" Showing no emotion on her face, connie winds back and socks peedee right in the jaw. he crumples to the floor like a little bitch. "How DARE you? You think I'm not the smartest, most careful soldier we've got? Do you honestly think you would have done any better in my shoes? Look here you piece of shit, no one saw me, and the plan is still in effect. We'll just have to change tactics a bit is all." she removes her backpack and tosses it to him, still on the ground. He looks inside and then sits up, meeting her eyes.  
"allahu akbar" they say sullenly in unison

17

11:30 pm, amethuyst awakens. An O'Reilly rerun is playing. On the screen, billionaire rock star and fox news contributor greg universe was giving his usual shpiel on gun rights. "if those kids in that club were armed..." she wipes the shit from her big fat eyes and gets off the couch. Garnet had been gone an awfully long time. Maybe she's dead? Oh well, it didn't matter. maethyst would just move on. She goes to the kitchen and eats a cold hot pocket from out of the freezer. What's this? She hears a thudding sound back in the living room. "what the hell is this womp womp i turned the tv off." she storms sullenly back to check, not because she is concerned about the power bill, let that be known, but more to reassure herself that she is still doing great in the head. she enters. the tv is definitely off. The tv wouldn't make those sounds anyway. It is a piece of shit vizio from the best buy clearance section and there was nothing there in terms of bass frequencies from the speakers. She had thought about dropping by someone's house and stealing a sound system but most people whose homes she broke into for fun had those garbage ass surround systems and what she wanted was a nice floor standing set. No one had those. Fuckign beach city poor people. "Garnet?" she calls out. No response. She takes another step into the darkened room and waits a good minute. More silence. "fuck this womp womp" she sighs sullenly before flopping back onto the poor couch that didn't do anything to anybody. she is drifting off to sleep when she hears shuffling sounds coming from behind her, followed by 3 more dull thumps. amythsts eyes are barely open when the great beast gives a roar and lifts her off the couch. she hits the wall before she's able to process what is happening and drops hard onto the floor. There she gets a look at her assailant. Big. Familiar too, but that doesn't matter. She picks herself up off the floor and pulls out that whip she has and uses in the television show Steven Universe if you are at all familiar with it, and charges.

18

on a wacky gem beach, far enough away from the raging forest fire, pearl lies in the sand, staring sullenly out at the water. "What have I done? It's all gone. Everything. My friends, my one or two true loves depending on how you look at it, the nice house i built. Well the melon people built it but i designed it and this is bullshit. All gone." She sits up and rummages through her bag, removing her dumb idiot past self's gem and admiring it in the moonlight. "roseler could have healed you. We were so close..." she hugs her legs and starts crying as if a bunch of dudes had just rolled up and beat the shit out of her or something. I'm talking real uncontrolled sobbing. After a while she calms down and starts to rationalize it all. Really, had she even thought this whole thing through? If there were two pearls, which would pretend to be rose when they bang? not her, that's for damn sure. Roseler was the real deal but something had gone horribly wrong in the process of her creation and her kisses smelled like dead fish. Also she did not have any lips so that wasn't great. pearl listens to the sound of the waves while her breathing and whimpering gradually slows. suddenly a crunching in the sand behind her.  
"Pearl?" sapphire's voice.  
The sobbing comes back in full force.  
"I'm so sorry" Pearl chokes out in between her blubbering.  
"for what, pearl? What happened?" then she sees the rifle in the sand beside pearl's bag. Pearl notices too and before sapphire can think, pearl is on her, hands around her throat. "I'm so sorry" she moans. "I'M SO SORRY" her grip tightening, sapphire's eye beginning to bulge.  
The last thing sapphire hears is pearl's hysterical apology, now muffled by water.

19

At the fry shack peedee and connie are inspecting the ancient mirror.  
"how are we supposed to use this thing? where'd you even get it?" asks peedee, carefully choosing his words and tone to avoid getting more teeth knocked out.  
"I don't know," connie says sharply "it's gem bullshit right? Isn't your idiot brother into those girl cartoons? You should know this stuff. You're really letting me down today peedee, I'm not gonna lie. Last time I was this disappointed was when those dumb kids bungled the boston bombing. How many people died? One? That's weak. Really makes you wonder if they loved allah enough. Do you truly love allah, peedee? Good. Here's what I want you to do. Think about the prophet mohammad and all he has done for humanity and give that mirror a rub, just like in the movies. And don't worry about where I got it."  
Peedee gives the mirror a long, suspicious look before closing his eyes and following his instructions. Suddenly a strange face reflecting back.  
"I AM LAPIZ LAZULI WHY HAVE YOU AWAKENED ME YOU FOOL YOU HAVE 3 WISHES AND THEN I AM GOING BACK TO BED YOU UGLY KIDS YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU"  
Connie snatches the mirror from peedee's hands and speaks to the genie.  
"You say I have 3 wishes? For my first I wish all infidels dead"  
"Granted," says the genie "it is done. All muslims in the world except you are now DEAD!" she erupts in a crazed laughter.  
Connie and peedee look at each other, stunned.  
"haha just kidding morons, I'm not really a genie but if you let me out of this mirror I can maybe help you out what do you say pals? deal?" lapis puts on her best car salesman smile.  
"It's a deal" exclaims connie sullenly.

20

Lars and Sadie are arriving at the beach city bus station. They swiftly exit the vehicle. On the way out Sadie thanks the driver while lars slips past behind her. Outside of the bus Sadie asks "lars, why didn't you thank the driver?" "Why would I thank the driver?" "because he just drove us 100 miles and didn't kill us?" "why should I thank him for that? he does it every day. It's his job." "well don't you think it would make his day brighter and I don't know, more cheerful if the people on the bus showed a little bit of humanity and gratitude?" "Again, it's his job. No one ever thanks me for my job." "Lars, you work at the register. People thank you all the time. They thank you more often than not just for selling them rings of concentrated diabetes." "look sadie, if i were a bus driver, there is no way I'd want or expect people to thank me just for driving them on a bus. That is ridiculous." "well you thank a cab driver right?" "yeah but that's more personal. You spend a lot of one on one time with a cab driver. On the bus it's different. You can be at the back the whole time and never say a single word to the guy. He probably doesn't want to talk to people all day. he spends all his time in a bus with fucking crazy people who fist fight over cell phones and piss in the back. You think he wants polite conversation? He probably wants death." "you don't know that lars, in fact, at work when people are nice and polite I end up having a better time." "yeah but should you really feel obligated to be polite? Even if you're in a bad mood?" "If you don't want everyone to think you're a huge piece of shit."

They walk sullenly back to the big donut.

21

Pearl slowly opens the front door to the crystal gem house. It had been decades since she had last set foot here. She wonders how much has changed. Her first glance shows that, in fact, everything is exactly as she left it. many pairs of black trip pants from pearl's emo phase are strewn about the living room. She cringes at the thought. She is much more respectable now with her oversized ironic sunglasses and gauged ear lobes. Laughter drifts in from the kitchen. Pearl walks toward the door and freezes with her hand on the doorknob. These voices... She opens the door to the kitchen and steps inside.  
Everyone is there, sitting at the table. Amethyst, garnet, peridot, even steven. They turn their heads to greet Pearl, smiles on their faces. She takes another step and they all begin to cheer. "GOOD JOB PEARL! WE KNEW YOU COULD DO IT! WE ALL LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!" For the first time in decades, pearl wears a genuine smile on her face. She takes a seat at the head of the table. "Thank you so much everyone. This is all I've ever wanted. Well, there's one other thing..."  
The door swings open and in walk adolph hitler and rose, unfused and perfectly normal. They come to pearl, love in their eyes. "Come to us" they say in unison. "We are waiting for you." She begins to tear up as they both embrace her. Her moment of bliss is interrupted as she feels a sharp pain in her gem. She opens her eyes to see rose and adolph, smiles still on their faces, now repeatedly stabbing her in the head with their salad forks.

She awakens on the beach to two seagulls pecking at her gem. She shoos them away and looks out at the water. When she sees the ice patches above where she had scattered sapphire last night, she begins to heave bile onto the sand. After regaining her composure, she thinks back to the dream. It may not have meant anything but as of now it's all she has to work with. She must find roseler. She hastily gathers her things and takes off.

Back on the beach, the morning light reflects off a heat-damaged pearl.

22

back at the gem house, all is silent but the sound of the television. in the living room. on the couch, a damaged rose quartz gem entangled in bits of bone and mustache sits bubbled atop a cushion. On the tv, melissa harris perry rambles on about police brutality. This is amethyst's idea of a joke. The creature was not a fighter, she had found out soon enough. In fact, it had cried out and attempted to run back out the door the moment it saw her weapon. Scared or misunderstood, it made no difference to amethyst, already absolutely livid from being woken up, who made easy work of the fat, fleshy beast. This was the harshest punishment she could think of: an endless MSNBC marathon. She smiled to herself as she put the gem into place and adjusted the channel; it was Friday. Tomorrow begins the barrage of prison reality tv shows and quack medical advice. As close to torture you can get without exerting any real physical effort. Amethyst is satisfied with the prison she has constructed for her attacker, and quickly decided it did not warrant any close watching. She is certain by now that peridot and garnet are both dead, and for a while has had a strange feeling that soon she'd be joining them. She did not fear death, but thinking of all the trash left uneaten, liberal internet posters left un-butthurt and womps left unwomped put a knot in her stomach. She surprised herself simply by fighting back when she felt her life was in danger. That was strange. Amethyst may be a gem but she had long ago accepted the inevitablity of death as well as the absence of a God and Creator. No true God would have made her stumpy and defective. No true God would have allowed her mother figure to be brutally murdered while going to the kitchen for more pizza rolls. No. Her God is leisure and she worships Him at every opportunity, determined to squeeze every bit of comfort and enjoyment from her objectively worthless existence. She sleeps now in a stolen massage chair in front of a stolen 32" computer monitor, while in the other room the beast sits dormant, watching, learning.

23

at fish stew pizza, connie and peedee sit listening toa couple in the next booth having an intense conversation

"I can't believe he won't call it islamic terrorism. This is absolutely ridiculous. He thinks the american people are stupid."  
"what do you expect? he's muslim himself"  
"did he really expect us to buy that short form certificate? it's clearly fake"  
"I can't wait until we get someone with good christian morals back in the white house"  
"HA! you mean hilary? she loves those a-rabs so much she may as well be one"

peedee sits sullenly poking at his chicken tenders, not once meeting connie's eyes "what is wrong peedee my friend? you seem down. do not worry about these infidels. They are ignorant and will soon be dead. don't you know we are about to go to heaven and meet mohammad or allah?"  
"it's not that connie. It's just, well, back in class today one of my classmates made fun of my beard"  
connie takes a long look a peedees peach fuzz "that is absurd, your beard is beautiful and represents your faith. that boy should be killed"  
"i agree but he is far away from beach city right now, at a christmas party"  
"a christmas party so early into december? I am furious!"  
connie slams her fist onto the table "we should kill them all" seethes peedee sullenly "but how do we do it?"  
a voice comes from connies back pack "I can do it guys. Just let me out. I'll be your pal and take care of it for you"  
"i told you" hisses connie sullenly "not until we're in position. I can't risk it"  
"connie my friend" exclaims lapis lamentedly, "I am a magical being. I must be held to my oaths. Free me and I shall take care of beach city. you two can go and crash this christmas party."  
connie and peedee stare moodily at their appetizers. finally connie speaks to her back pack where the mirror is in case i didnt convey that well enough "ok. let's go out back and do this."

24

in the alley behind the restaurant, peedee nervously searches the shadows for any unexpected guests while connie removes the mirror from her bag to begin the preparations. "tell me, demon, why should I believe that you'll make good on your end of the bargain?" she demands, trying her hardest to not show weakness. Her grandparents had fought evil american demons and djinni like this one before, and the main point they would always stress to her while telling their stories wass that fear only makes them stronger. whether it be the tone of her voice or the expression of forced anger- connie isn't sure- it is effective. The demon seems intimidated. "why, I'm so sorry that you don't trust me. It's real sad that people can't trust their neighbors anymore these days, you know what i mean connie? real depressing stuff. you ever hear that styx song 'the best of times' connie? of course you have connie that's a classic. anyway, i remember years ago all the kids in the neighborhood would go out into the neighborhood unattended and no one got hurt because we had a strong sense of community, you know what i mean connie? if something happened 8 blocks away you'd know about it within 5 minutes. you could let your cats outside without being afraid of some teenagers listening to insane clown posse and slipknot skinning it and stringing it up by the paws. really weird times we live in, connie, really weird. Anyway, since you won't take my word for it, i'll tell you what I'm going to do, just for you. I'm going to tell you my secret: if at any point you are dissatisfied with my service, simply repeat the words 'fuck you lapis' 3 times into the mirror of your choice and I will be instantly imprisoned in it! It's magic, connie. So okay, now what you should do is smash the shit out of this mirror and let me out."  
Without saying a word, connie shatters the mirror against the side of the big brick building. The genie appears in her humanoid form in a great blue flash. "aw sick connie this is fucking sweet i've been in that mirror for a long time. Do you know how that felt connie? not good. It was the worst actually. have you ever been forced to just sit there with nothing but your own thoughts connie? it's hell. and don't give me any of that monk meditation bullshit. i reached nirvana decades ago and you know what? it was shit. it was boring. i left it. I left nirvana. I saw the light and spit in its eye. now look here connie, i am just grateful as hell that you let me out so I am going to go through with this, okay? you don't have to worry about it. here give me that nice walkie talkie" she takes one of the devices from the still speechless connie's hands and begins to walk away, then stops and turns back. "oh yeah first you're going to have to tell me where you found that mirror because my shit's all broke and the punk asses who had me locked up can fix it. can you do that for me connie? can you use your words now?" connie falls to her knees, face red with anger and embarrassment. She thinks of her grandparents and for the first time, recognizes the true breadth of her own weakness.

25

another slow day at the big donut. The two employees sit idle at the counter.  
"hey sadie, I've been thinking. Maybe I should just quit? I mean, my heart just isn't into the donuts anymore. It's a really sad thought but I think I've just grown up. I used to love donuts as a kid. They were my favorite food. But ever since I started working here, the thought of eating one with all that sugar on and in it is enough to make me gag. I really don't mean any offense by this, but you've worked here a while, right? well, look what all those donuts have done to you."  
"Lars you absolute piece of shit I don't even eat the donuts here. I swear to god I would beat the life out of you if I thought you actually knew any better"  
"Wow, touchy subject. I thought we could be frank with each other, sadie, and not have to worry about the other getting sensitive."  
"that's being frank? more like being an asshole. you made some really shitty assumptions. Just because I'm kind of maybe a little fat I must be sneaking off and eating donuts all day? For the record lars, I hate donuts too. We could have really connected here but you just had to bungle the whole thing by running your mouth."  
"Connecting? Over a shared dislike? Seems a little shallow, sadie."  
Sadie rolls her eyes and turns to face the clock. Only 3 more hours until she can go home to her anime and video games. These days that was all she ever did. Sadie does not have much of a social life. She realizes deep down that the games are a crutch, an escape from reality into a fantasy world of relaxing repetition and bright shiny colors, but she can't think of anything else to relieve her of her crushing existential boredom. day in and day out, she wakes up, goes to work, goes home, plays video games until bed, repeats. Through the games she can explore all sorts of amazing, colorful worlds, all much more fun and interesting than real life. When she first got into the games, years ago, she was conflicted about the whole "being a consumerist sheep" thing, but at this point she has long since rationalized that away. She looks back at the clock. Son of a bitch, it's only been 2 minutes.  
"hey sadie, quick question for you"  
"what do you want lars"  
"do you believe that you have the ability to make decisions and form opinions outside of what you've been programmed to think and feel? Am I really only who I am today because a bunch of random events shaped my thoughts and feelings? Can you really do anything truly random without your brain knowing about it before you?"  
"Jesus christ lars" sadie exclaims sullenly, "get out of here with that big bong theory garbage talk. Maybe you really should quit."

26

connie and peedee are sitting quietly at the back of the bus headed out of town. A big fat man on the other side of the aisle looks them over. He is wearing a bernie sanders shirt and is now trying to get their attention without actually saying anything. Peedee briefly makes eye contact. The man nods to him but peedee quickly averts his gaze. Finally he clears his throat and speaks. "Hey kids you look brown, do you know anything about bernie? he wants to make sure you and your white friend can go to college for FREE! isn't that wonderful? he is literally going to give you free stuff. Why wouldn;t you want him as president? And guess what else? You are also going to be making $15 an hour for that piece of shit burger flipping job you're going to get at 16 years old. Who knows, when you're 25 you might be able to actually have a chance of living out the american dream and owning a home and starting your own business. of course you would be taxed to hell but that's what everyone wants, right? It's good because it goes toward the NEEDY. That and less POLICE BRUTALITY. That's another thing bernie's going to get rid of on his veyr first day in office. No more black people will die again ever. You heard that right, kid. Once bernie's in office you will never have to worry about going out side and getting murdered by a wild police officer."  
just then a cop stands up in the back. He was only standing up like halfway before so now he stands up further. He looks pissed. He quickly comes up the bus. Fuckin, he;s adjsting his massive wang in his pants. He walks back towards his seat, but stops beside the man, flashing his gun and giving a wink. "I was just going back home to my beautiful sons and hot wife when i heard you talking shit on the Brotherhood of the Cops. i can't just let that fly. citizen, I'll have you know I am a trained officer of the law and crimes are illegal. How much MMA fighting have you done, commie?" The man stares at the police officer sullenly for a moment before shouting "POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!" The driver's voice over the speakers, "SHUT THE FUCK UP BACK THERE WE'VE GOT AN HOUR TO GO AND YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO PULL THIS THING OVER AND CALL THE POLICE" "I AM the police" the cop sneers at the man before taking his seat. Peedee and connie spend the rest of the ride in silence. They already know the plan. No talking is required. The bus comes to a stop and one by one the the passengers thank the driver and file out. "great idea connie" peedee whispers as they stand behind a woman pulling her bags out of the top compartment. "no one would notice some kids like us on a bus like this. Some real stealth shit connie, you're a goddamn genius." they exit the bus onto the pavement and begin to jog toward the center where the party is being held.

it was a fine plan indeed, but they were in fact noticed. They had never thanked the driver. He dials 911 and watches the rude punk pieces of shit disappear around the corner.

27

Officer Dongston stalks his prey through the dimly lit streets. He is a man on a mission. He is going to be on these kids before the local PD even knows where they are. Ever since getting off the bus and hearing the code for "brown person with suspicious bag" come from his cop radio he knew he had to do this. The perp was obvious. Dick Dongston did not like the girl's demeanor on the bus, the way her dead eyes lit up when the fat man mentioned his ideal, weak socialist nation. The man's naivete made him sick enough, but in the girl he sensed something much more sinister. There was no question. It was them.  
He could be radioing his location in, but he feels he must do this alone. He wants to get his mind off the situation at home. Home. oh god. he had almost actually gone back there tonight. that would have been a mistake. he swore he would never come back after coming home early to his best friend banging his wife. That was a little over a week ago, and he had spent the majority of that time sulking in his motel room. The day after the affair he had been subjected to a paid suspension after accidentally murdering a black man who he thought had been holding a gun but was in actuality talking on a telephone. It was a honest mistake, the chief agreed, but the media's need for blood had to be sated.  
He shakes the thought from his head and focuses on the task at hand. There they are, up ahead, slinking off into the alley behind the center for disabled people. Christmas music can be heard coming from inside the building. God, he thought, I hate December. One more christmas, one more film about gibbering little yellow monsters to buy toys of and play over and over again for his obnoxious, unwanted children while his wife went off to fuck Mike. Fucking Mike. That betrayal was what hurt the most. They had been friends since they were old enough to walk and Dick never in a million years would have seen it coming. But here he was, alone, chasing some potentially dangerous criminals, all for what? This won't get him his life back and he knows it. Perhaps he has a death wish. He tries not to think about it as he draws his gun and disappears into the shadows of the alley.

28

"Alright," connie whispers through her mask, "you know the plan. I will plant the explosives. Wait for my signal to start shooting. Allahu akbar, brother" "Allahu akbar" peedee replies sullenly. A flash of anger in Connie's eyes. "Don't tell me you're getting cold feet right now. We've come this far." She hands peedee his pistol.  
"Wait for my signal" she repeats. Peedee holds the gun out in his hand and gives it a long look. Can he really do this? It had felt so right planning the whole thing that the possibility of his not having the stomach for it had never occured to him. He squeezes the grip and looks toward the back entrance of the building. Suddenly from behind "FREEZE TERRORIST SCUM. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST. PUT THE GUNS DOWN NOW"  
Peedee looks to Connie, unsure of what to do. She gives him the subtlest possible nod.  
Peedee whips around and fires on the officer 1, 2, 3 times, all misses. He hears the door slam next to him as connie vanishes into the building. His finger is tightening on the trigger for the fourth shot when he is knocked to the ground by a great, dull pain in his chest. On his back, staring up at the sky, peedee clutches at his shirt and feels his warm, sticky blood draining from the wound. Is this it? After all they had been through, all the hard work and preparation, was it all going to be ruined by some cop with a grudge? Life is unfair down to the very last day. Peedee closes his eyes and waits for god to take him while footsteps rush past and through the door.

Barricaded in the bathroom, Connie digs through her bag and retrieves the walkie talkie.  
"GENIE, COME IN, THIS IS CONNIE. I REPEAT, THIS IS CONNIE. COME IN."  
static "GENIE GODDAMMIT THIS IS AN EMERGENCY DON'T MAKE ME IMPRISON YOU AGAIN. OVER"  
static... and then "HELLO CONNIE THIS IS GENIE. OVER."  
a wave of relief comes over connie. Maybe all is not lost after all.  
"GENIE THIS PLAN IS GOING TO SHIT. HAVE YOU DETONATED THE EXPLOSIVES YET? I NEED YOU HERE NOW. OVER."  
a long moment of silence and "YEAH, NAH, I'M NOT DOING THAT. COPS PROBABLY FOUND YOUR STUFF ANYWAY. IT'S A REAL MESS HERE. JUST SAW A SWAT VAN PASS BY. THIS SHIT'S NUTS. ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT, I'M GETTING DONUTS RIGHT NOW AND HAVEN'T EVEN PAID YET. I'M JUST STANDING HERE AT THE REGISTER TALKING ON A WALKIE TALKIE LIKE A JACKASS. I REALLY GOTTA GO."  
"WE HAD A DEAL!" connie pleads "YEAH, I'M A REAL PIECE OF SHIT AREN'T I? OVER."  
Connie, the maddest she has ever been, rushes over to the big bathroom mirror and bellows the magic incantation into the mouthpiece.  
"FUCK YOU LAPIS FUCK YOU LAPIS FUCK YOU LAPIS"  
the static now calms connie as she stares into the mirror, waiting for the genie's face to appear. This time she will free the demon and slay it where it stands. But nothing is happening. The static cuts out one last time.  
"HEY FUCK YOU TOO PAL. OVER AND OUT"

Connie stares at her small, frightened reflection and begins to weep.

29

"Sorry about that" Lapis says, wiping the walkie talkie on her thigh and tossing it into the trash bin. "People these days have no tact. They think that just because they have the ability to contact anyone at any time, that's what they should do. It's ridiculous. Like look, I don't care if you're my boss, I'm my own person and I need to live my own life outside of work. You know what I mean? Oh by the way, I don't have any money to pay for these donuts, so can I just have them for free?"  
Lars doesn't know what to do. This is an awkward situation. Of course, no, he should not just give free donuts away, but he's dealt with disgruntled customers before (mostly homeless, now that he thinks of it) and has found that the best course of action is to just give them what they want. He looks to Sadie for help.  
"If you've got a boss and a job then why don't you have money?" sadie asks, agitated.  
"What, don't tell me you've never had budgeting problems..." lapis trails off, hurt in her voice. She looks around at the festive holiday tinsel decorating the store.  
"I've got a family to feed. These donuts are going to be our christmas dinner."  
"We're not even 2 weeks into december, why are you eating christmas dinner tonight?"  
"well funny story, see-" "OH SHIT LOOK AT THIS" Lars cuts her off. he points to the tv mounted to the wall. "Isn't that the little peedee kid from down the street? Holy shit." School photos of connie and peedee are on the right side of the screen while the left is predominantly taken up by a large, blurred photo of peedee, dead on the ground in a pool of blood. The large caption at the bottom reads TERROR PLOT FOILED BY LONE HERO COP. Sadie and Lars take a moment to register this bizarre news before turning back to regard lapis, now holding out a small pistol, aimed right for Lars' head.  
"Yeah so I'll just take these donuts now."  
Lars begins to stutter incoherently "Yes, please, just take them and go." Sadie says with as much calm in her voice as she can muster.  
Lapis makes to turn and leave, but stops and, still pointing her gun at lars asks "Hey, I don't mean to take advantage here, but can I get like 2 of the Boston creme? I always tell myself 'lapis, do not get the boston creme, those things will kill you' but I can never resist when it comes down to it. It really is the best donut out there." She holds her bag out for lars to slide the 2 boston cremes down into. "hey thanks a lot, you take it easy" she says, backing out, never taking her aim off lars' head, and exiting the store.

"THANK YOU" Sadie yells when she's sure all is clear.  
"Wh-what?" Lars stammers.  
"She said 'Thank you', Lars. See? I told you. People thank you all the time because it's the polite thing to do when you make an exchange. That's how society works."  
"Are you fucking kidding me right now with this sadie?" Lars spits "I just had a near death experience and you're going to hound me on this shit?" Sadie looks at the ground and sees water pooling around Lars' shoes. She quickly looks away and pretends not to notice.  
"And you say 'that's how society works' but don't you ever wonder WHY? Thanking someone for performing a function that will soon be taken over by robots is just completely insincere. You don't care. They don't care. This woman just robbed me. Do you think she was being sincere there when she thanked me? Does it matter? She aimed a gun at my face but oh cool, she was POLITE about it. Terrible people can be extemely polite, just as great, honest people, like me, don't need such formalities because we're genuine. Not thanking a bus driver or cashier doesn't make you a piece of shit, it makes you honest." "Yeah, great, lars, you're so noble and real that you can just ignore the feelings of others and treat them like soulless robots. Yeah, you're so much better. Go mop up that piss, cool guy."

30

Dick Dongleston lies face down on top of his work desk snoring. He is in full uniform and several medals adorn his neck. Underneath his sweat-soaked body is the key to the city, the ring directly beneath his chin, covered in a mixture of drool and vomit. He reeks of alcohol. The phone rings close to his ear. He stirs but makes no motion to answer it. It rings again and again. Four more times before he hears the blessed beep signaling the answering machine's triumphant rescue. He thinks of that scene in lord of the rings where the men are getting their asses stomped, and then in comes gandalf on his cool horse to save the day. Dick used to love lord of the rings when he was a kid. Those were simpler times. The phone rings again, and this time he answers it. He says nothing, waiting. "Hello? It's me, elaine, your wife. I probably didn't have to explain that I'm your wife but who knows, with the way I've treated you maybe there are other elaines in your life. Ha ha ha. Anyway, I was wondering if we could get lunch sometime? The kids really want to see you. I... really want to see you..."  
Dick quickly sits up, tosses his phone against the wall and vomits onto his pants. That was the last thing he needed to hear right now. He stares into the puddle of half-digested fried rice and bile on the floor, getting larger with each gob and drop coming down his leg. He sees the bodies in that hallway leading to the bathroom. The bodies he had to step and trip over to regain his reputation. It seemed like there were hundreds stacked on top of each other, but he found out later it was just six. With this thought he bends to throw up again, this time coming out with nothing but a dry heave. Six. It should have been none. It could have been none if he had just done the right thing and called it in ten, even five minutes earlier, but he did not, and ended up stumbling through a poorly improvised speech about being in the right place at the right time to the local police chief. The story was flimsy at best, but the pudgy old man bought it without a second thought. The fact that cops take care of their own used to be a point of pride for Dick, but it frustrates him now that, after all the families he has indirectly ruined, no one would even look into it. This isn't justice, he thinks bitterly. True, he isn't particularly interested in spending the rest of his life in jail, but shit. Maybe he should just be happy he was there at all. With the amount of ammo and explosives those kids had, Dick's exaggerated memory of the event could have very well been a reality. This rationalization comforts him a bit, and he pushes himself off the desk, standing up and brushing the vomit from his shaking legs. Yes, it could have been much worse. That girl had the devil in her. He saw it on the bus, and the look in her eyes when he broke down the door all but confirmed it. He remembers the frenzied curses he heard moments before. There was a name there too, he thinks, but he can't recall what it was or if he had even been able to make it out in the first place. A possible accomplice. There are only 2 suspects right now. One of them is dead and the other's on her way to gitmo. Dick had never mentioned the name to anyone. He wonders if he should get it over with now. No, no, he can't. Three days was three days too long. Best to just forget it. He scratches at his now crusty face and hears a small sound from the other side of the room. He walks over and fishes his phone out from the big bunched up pair of sweatpants it had fallen into. The impact with the wall had broken its screen but it still worked. Unfortunately. Elaine is still on the line.  
"Dick? hellO? dick? are you there? Dick? Dick? Hey dick where are you? Should I call the police? Just kidding, you are the police. Ha ha. I got that joke from you. Remember? Remember all those good times we used to share? Dick? Are you listening?"  
Dick clears his throat and responds, "Yeah, lunch sounds good." 


End file.
